I’m deciding to leave this as untitled, my first ever one, because I’m not pretty sure whether this is gonna stay on my blog for good. But, the heck, yeah, I am still posting it. Well I don’t know exactly why. Hmm, I am quite certain that I’m not okay lately; you know, my sleep cycle was totally reversed, I wake up two in the morning, sleep around noon, I eat a lot of goddamn chocolates—white chocolates, to be exact—watch a lot of movies and TV series (those are the only ones that make me pretty happy), I always say to my best friend I am sad and that I am contemplating about ending my life, my purposeless life. Well I really don’t know what’s going on with me. Maybe it’s just some sort of mood disorder. Or maybe depression. Or maybe I’m just knowing what life really is all about: nothing.
Well every time I wake up, I feel I’m getting a lot more insane. And a lot sadder. I now realise why other people do drugs and I can’t blame them. Sometimes, or most of the times, we just get really really depressed and don’t know what the hell exactly is it and don’t know what to do and instead do drugs—I have nothing against these people, but for now I guess drugs, illegal ones to be precise, aren’t on my options.
That’s why I just decided to write about it, about how I feel. How empty, miserable, lonely, and combine all other unwanted emotions. That’s totally how I feel. Well I don’t believe in god or gods (I don’t want any argument about this), I have few friends, my family’s quite not okay as of the moment. I mean I have almost nothing to hold on to continue living. I seem to kinda lost inspiration in my life. And it’s really really sad. I have to face everyday with the dilemma of: should I continue with my life or just let go of it? Well, nobody cares about me anyway. The universe doesn’t care. Who the hell am I? I am not special. I’m just a being that randomly existed—or actually not; that is still debatable—in this pool of black space and randomness.
And I hate it. I hate everything that is about me, that is about life, that is about humans, that is about feeling and hurting. I hate to having the choice to live, but quite lucky anyway; at least I have an option as some people do not—okay, that made me feel better.
But I don’t know—do I actually know anything? Well, I’m planning to see my University’s psychologist next week and get some advice from him/her. Or maybe take some antidepressants. I read St. John’s Wort is kinda good, I’m just gonna ask the psychologist about it.
By the way, sorry for the many em-dash interruptions I’ve had on this. My mind’s just completely disoriented right now.
Anyway, I’m not sure if I’ll still be here tomorrow, if I’ll still be alive…or dead—that, nobody knows. But for now, good-bye. Thanks for reading. It means a lot to me.